urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pazradym Pazradym Pazradym 2005-05-12T09:36:57Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pazradym:621 2005-05-11T21:31:22Z 2005-05-12T09:36:57Z To all those friends I've lost track of over the last few years (Tyler, Ben, Carina, Scott, Brian, Mitch C, Eric, Cathy, Chris, Mitch R, Adam, Veronica, Katie D, Katie T, Katie M, Aaron B, Aaron J, Jed, Saundie, Jimmy [Yes there are three different Katies, two Mitches, and two Aarons {crazy uncreative generation of parents, j/k}], and many more than I could ever list here and have any chance of ever finishing) I feel I owe you all both an apology and an explanation of where I've been the last few years.<br /><br />Apologies first, First and formost I apologize for being an antisocial jerk. I'm still reclusive, (though I'm not entirely sure why) but at least now I realize that it is do to my own actions/feelings and not do to any outside influence (aka I've finally come to terms with it being my fault). As for the being a jerk bit....I really can;t apologize enough for it. I cut many of you off totally, many without even so much as a goodbye. All I can hope for is that you all can accept my apology and that we can go foward from here.<br /><br />Next, I just want to say that I've directed as many of you as I can to this journal in hopes that we can resume contact with each other (via whatever means easiest for the individual, Email, messenger services, phone, RL visitation [oh noes!],etc) To those I have been unable to reach so far I have dispatched emails to your last known (by me) email address in hope that you may one day stumble across them as I have stumbled across reminders of old friends as well. I can only hope that some of you may some day find your way to this page one way or another.<br /><br />And finally, we come to the explanation bit, sit down, grab a snack, and get comfy, this might take a while. Lets see since I've lost/refound/lost again many of you at different points through out my hiatus from all thing social that has been my life for the last few years, I figure it best to start off at a relatively modest point that I believe we all were aware of, which is of course HS graduation.<br /><br />(Warning, this bit can get a bit personal at times, and while its going to be kinda difficult for me to talk about some of this I do it for 2 reasons a.) I belive it will help me in the long run to talk openly about all this mess, b.) I think you all are capable of understanding and definatly deserve to know the truth of my life for the past years)<br /><br />So lets see...<br /><br />Graduation, For those that were there, was wholy disapointing, (rain rain go away, come again another day) Weather was horrid and I think everyone there just wanted it to be over so we could get out of the wind, cold and rain. All in all I have to say the only reason I even mention it is because it makes a great bit of foreshadowing of things to come. If my life had been a book this would have been plot gold. (though the book itself would be rather boring)<br /><br />After graduation I did the whole summer thing, got a job, found a school (WSU , yay!), got a roomate (Nathan K - one of the few freinds I managed NOT to loose track of, then again its kinda hard to loose track of someone whos sharing a room with your for a year), stocked up on supplies and anxiously awaited the day when I would head off to school.<br /><br />Arrving at school was great and for a while life was good. Met (afew) new people, got into classes,a dn got used to life away from home.<br />After a bit things started to go down hill though. Although I had made a few new friends, I had by this time already begun to loose track of many of my old ones. Then came the big slip up, it was innocent enough to begin with, I stayed up waaaay to late one night talking to a few people online (Curse you aol!),and over slept the next morning missing 2 of my classes that day. This being a new thing to me (never having skipped school before in my life, sick days/pre-planned vacations excluded) I was horrified, untill that is the next day and I went to class expecting to be scolded for my obvious misdeed. Instead I found that things carried on as if nothing had happened. other than being clueless about what had happened the day before (got the assignment I had missed from oen of my friends later that day) all in all there were no consiquenes. Even though I didn;t think about it at the time, I apparently must have unconisiously as this triggered a series of events. <br /><br />So....one missed day - nothing bad happens.... my crazy subconsious ( and later consious) though add up to something like this, 1 day missed = 0 consiquences, 1 day missed + 1 day missed = 0 consiquenses + 0 consiquenses or 2 day missed = 0 consiquenses, so then it must also be true that 2 day + 2 days = 0 + 0... anyway I think you can see the pattern developing here and I ended up missing the greater majority of my last half of my first semester. <br /><br />Second semster rolls around and I pretty much follow the same pattern, ( a few minor ups and downs but overallgthe same downward spiral)<br />About this time (spring break actually), I went to a pyschiatrist, (I don;t recal exactly what brought this about, but its not really important to this story) and was diagnosed withh ADD (which to this day I think was a misdiagnoses and should have been depression). Over all the whole affair was pretty much crap. The doctor never even saw me before he made his decision. The nurses had me fill out ALOT of paperwork, the normal medical information along with a bunch of questionare/survey thingys and gave those to the doctor before I ever met him. Anyway the point is I left there with a prescription for some ritalin clone or another. Progressive visits (~1 for ever 2 months) lead to higher doses, that all in all seemed to do nothing or me. Finally I just got pissed at the whole affair stopped taking the pills and ignored the mail telling me it was time to schedule my next appointment with the so call doctor. About this time second semester ended and I was basically left with two choices, apply for reinstatment and attend summer school there at campus or be put on suspension until such time as I could prove my willingness to learn and my works habits had improved. Things being as they were I knew I wasn't ready for restatment at that time, I could see the pattern plainly (go to school, do nothing, fail, repeat) though at the time I had no idea what/where/how/when or why it had come about.<br /><br />So I returned home(living with my parents). Spent the summer doing odd jobs for cash, etc.<br /><br />Come the next fall I applied and was accepted at CBC in town ( they never even asked to see a transcript from RHS or WSU). Being over 18 I had to be enrolled in school in order to be covered by my parents insurance and since I had several major things coming up (more on that later) I had to be in school. Things progressed much as they had before, meet a few friends, lost track of old ones, became (more) reclusive lost track of new friends, did bad in school, etc. This went on that whole school year.<br /><br />Summer of 04 (have to go to work now, will continue this later) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pazradym:404 2005-05-11T20:03:49Z 2005-05-11T20:03:49Z well....that was anti-climatic now wasn't it....